Magpaligaw Ka by Fr. Xaves Alpasa, SJ
I COME FROM A POOR FAMILY. Papa worked as a kargador. I remember Mama preparing to two to three shirts for him, but he would still come home grubby. During paydays, the cinematic arguments at home were about how the few hundred pesos couldn't cover the long list of payables. Papa would desperately propose to rob a ban.
During penniless days. I would be asked to go to the nearest suking tindahan, not to drop any raffle entry, but to by a can of sardines on credit. One time I was turned down. I was told they ran out of stock, but I could hear the Ligo and 555 sardines screaming from the shelves. I was a consistent honor student, but was removed from the roster in fifth grade simply because Mama could not pay the Php40 PTA contribution for eclectic fans. I wanted to electrocute them all!
My parents never gave up on their desire to give us the best. They enrolled us in a private school for our secondary education. Our payments scheme improved from the pedestrian palista to the promissory note. We were repeatedly accomplishing promissory notes for our tuition. Good thing the principal's name was Mercy and we were always being granted such.
Papa became partially disabled when he acquired joint effusions, a collection of fluids in both knees. Doctors attributed the condition to his work. During those days, only the salesmen got to ride with the driver inside the air-conditioned cabs. Papa, being a kargador, had to settle for the unprotected truck bed come rain or shine. I had just finished my second year in college and thought I would become part of the out-of-school youth statistics. In the nick of time, I became a Dean's Lister and was granted an academic scholarship. I eventually graduated with an economics degree.
Job-hunting was problematic. We were surviving on the meager income Mama made from her sale of ice to congee vendors. I used to commiserate with the vendors, until it dawned on me that Mama's condition was pathetic. Her earning were dependent on the vendor's sales. And my allowance for job searching was, in turn, determined by Mama's sales! I remember a time when I ordered the cheapest burger for lunch and requested a courtesy cup so I could get water from the fountain. I also walked around Makati to save on transportation fare.
I finally got a good job in San Miguel Corporation. I almost did not make it as I flunked the medical examination due to an erroneous x-ray result. Eventually, ia was cleared for employment. I do not know if my frantic attempt to drink plenty of milk to blur the x-ray film had something to do with that, but that was palpable was heaven trying my faith.
This pattern of faith challenges and 'pambibitins,' from the college scholarship to employment, continued. I was accepted to graduate studies. I threw a farewell party before leaving my hometown of Cebu. Just when I was leaving, I was advised that I actually had the 26th slot and they could only take 25 people. I asked for reconsideration and review. When they did, they saw an error somewhere. I was asked to enroll and was even given a scholarship.
Armed with an M. A. degree, a lot of experience, finer skills (and looks!), I was able to climb the steep corporate ladder. Simultaneously, our standard of living considerably improved. We moved from the garage-like room we were renting in Valenzuela to a well-heeled neighborhood in Quezon City.
I was able to fulfill my pledge to Mama that I would make her a doña someday. I remember her with her chin up, seated at the back of my brand-new car. She had on those fashionista shades and a brunette coiffure, with the right arm resting on the headrest of the other seat.
The window shopping that Papa used to treat us when we were small became real shopping sprees. I bought them to malls and allowed them to buy their heart's desires. We dined at the finest restaurants, but Mama would continue to fancy Max's Fried Chicken.
I was able to travel. In a moment of pure ecstasy, I cried "I'm the King of the World!" from the top of the Eiffel Tower ala Leonardo di Caprio. London's immigration officials could not believe that I was a manager so I gave them my business cards to prove a point. I collected more than a dozen magnets from various European locations. I was in my heyday!
I emceed the 1995 World Youth Day vigil. I felt so blessed to have been chosen from among the millions gathered at the Luneta Park. I started to count my blessings. There was so much: from the profound experience of love from family and friends, to the material gifts that heaven showered me with. I couldn't finish counting his gifts. I wanted to embrace the Giver himself, though I could not articulate why.
The burning desire to embrace God led me to find answers in vocation seminar. When I was asked by my soul mate where I was that fateful Sunday, I lied and told her I went to a class reunion. The discernment process that started with the vocation seminar continued. The searching was highlighted with a recollection where I was asked the question, "if you were totally free, what would you want to do with your life?"
I decided to enter the pre-novitiate house clandestinely. When I was transferring residence from Makati to Loyola Heights, my parents wondered why I was moving farther from my workplace. I said the new residence was owned by a friend. I wouldn't be charged fro rent. But when I left the house after gathering additional stuff, I was told that Mama cried profusely thinking I was already living with a partner.
I could not keep the secret forever. I informed my family about my decision to embrace the religious life. I was touched by my sister's words: "Mahal namin ang kahit anong mahal mo."
I stayed in the pre-novitiate house from January to March of 1997. the superiors were understanding enough to allow me to work until the final results were out, and my boss and officemates were equally supportive so I could leave the office earlier than usual. The discernment period was a roller-coaster ride to I decided to suspend my application. When I finally decided to submit my application on the last day, I realized it was February 11, the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes.
In Lourdes, France I had categorically submitted to God's call on September 8, 1997. I was lining up at the grotto and everyone was stretching their arms for a drop of water. I did the same. To my disenchantment, I did not get a single drop on my hand. When I reached the center, I looked up, and a drop of water hit my eye. This made me realize that I will not get what I want by stretching my arm or by my own effort. It made me see that things will be given as gifts, voluntarily and sometimes extraordinarily.
The Lourdes experience gave me the courage to try by living in the Arvisu Pre-novitiate House. It served a half-way house for prospective applicants. Given my financial responsibilities to my family, I appealed for an early evaluation so I could logistically prepare. As it turned out, I was the last one to get the results.
When I received the result in a thin envelope I did not want to open it anymore. All prenovices theorized that a thin envelope would mean a rejection because there were no thick instructional attachments. The panel of directors asked me to read the letter in a room where only the four of us were gathered. In the letter was the will of God. I was being asked to enter the Society of Jesus on May 30, 1998.
The hitch was that I was the breadwinner of the family. I was practically spending for everything, from our utilities to Mama's transportation fare for her weekly Quiapo visits. I realized that if I had left my managerial post, their whole financial world would crumble. I sold everything I had, down to the CDs and ties. I was literally selling my own shirts as I tried to sell my expensive Armani polos. However, the liquidation was insufficient to pay off the Php 1,000,000 balance of the housing loan I availed of.
There I was , a trained financial whiz, a strategic planner, a Master's Degree holder, cornered and lost. I had the burning desire to be a priest, but I could not act on it. There was the greater scheme of thins, but I could not see the concrete next steps. I was certain I was being called. I saw myself on one cliff, The One inviting me on another, with no bridge to connect us. I already said yes and sold practically everything I could, but I was faced with a financial problem I could not solve. I was complaining to God, "I want to embrace you but you are not giving me the arms to do so!"
I thought of the heartrending solution. I would beg. I prepared an email of solicitation for Php500/month. When I was about to send it I could not click the Send icon. I walked around trying to ease the excruciating pain of humiliation. I used to enjoy Php500 worth of ice cream with friends at The Pen, and now I was about to beg. Them for the Php500 we used to waste. I spent years building a career and a name for myself. This single email could ruin my reputation. I had been known as an accomplished rags-to-riches yuppie who enjoyed financial independence, and there I was thinking of asking for financial aid.
But I did. I sent the email. Believe it or not, not a single soul said no. more than 100 friends and strangers who received my email extended assistance. So I was able to make it to the entrance day. Family, friends, and benefactors brought me to the seminary. I cried like a baby with a refrain in my mind, "I am here!"
I thought the story would end there. Little did I know that my parents were keeping financial woes in secret so as not to disturb my formation. When I confronted Mama about it one visiting Sunday, she confessed in tears. When they all left that day, I ran to the chapel and confronted my God. "Inalay ko na ang buhay ko, lahat-lahat ibinigay ko na, bakit ang ilang libong pambayand ng amelyar ay di mo pa maibigay. Bokasyon ko ito, huwag mo nang idamay ang mga magulang ko. Tayong dalawa lang ang magtuos." I told one Jesuit about my feelings and he gave me the go signal to squabble with my God so long as I did not forsake him. For the first time, I cursed God. I wrangled with him the whole night.
The superiors allowed me to go home for several reasons. One of them was to solve the financial problems of my family. I was given a month and a half, but a few days before the end of the period, I still had no financial solution. Two days before my return to the seminary I got a call from a former neighbor saying I had several unclaimed letters. When I opened them I was surprised to see a letter from Manulife about demutualization. I went to their office to claim the cheque. I was given more than what I needed, a hundred times more. I ran teary-eyed to the nearby PCI Bank Chapel to give praise through a Eucharistic celebration.
Ganoon nga yat talaga ang Diyos. Sasagarin ka hanggang sa buong-buo ang pagkapit mo sa kanya. Hangga't hindi mo binibitawan ang mga makamundong kinakapitan, aalugin ka, gigibain ang makataong istruktura, upang dalhin ka sa kanyang langit.
Friends always ask me if I am happy inside. My usual retort is that it is a roller coaster ride, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. The important this is that the coaster remains on tract, that it does not fall. That to me is following God's will. That gives me constant peace. We do not see a laughing Christ crucified on the cross, but I bet my life he is very much at peace.
Kaya hindi mahalaga kung nasaan ako – sa Makati bilang executive o sa bundok ng Mindanao bilang misyonero, sa loob o labas ng seminaryo, sa ibaba o sa itaas ng buhay. Ang mas mahalaga ay kung sino ang kasama ko.
Paano ko siya nahanap? Hinayaan ko lang na ligawan ako. Open your hearts and let him court you. Allow him to enter into your lives. Let go and let God. Magpaligaw ka. Then when you are with him, nothing else matters. Let him bring you wherever the wants. Get lost in his will. Magpaligaw ka. Huwag mong igpagdmot ang kahit ano dahil ang lahat ng hawak natin ay galing din naman sa kanya. Ibinabalik lang natin.
In the words of Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ, "Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you our of bed in the morning, what will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."
"I don't believe in miracles, I rely on them"
Rev. Javier Alpasa, SJ
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